Going Whichever Way The Wind Blows

Let me just say this. Run a bad marathon, and you will no doubt question just what it is you are doing out there. In the days following my run, my mind covered every option, turning it around, blowing the dust, and just considering what it is that I am doing when I lace up my shoes and head out the door.

During the hard miles, I questioned my ability to run far. There were some dark moments when I decided that I probably couldn’t run an ultra, that it would hurt too much and that I wasn’t cut from the right cloth to get through that challenge. I was responding to the pain at that moment. Long after I had finished, those doubts lingered.

After the race, when my pride was bruised at having to tell my friends that I had not even managed a PR, I flirted with the idea of running only 1/2s and 10ks. Distances that I’ve had success at, these shorter races would give me a chance to win some age groups. But as I thought about it, I realized that my success at those distances is tied to my training - I’ve been successful because I run 7 - 12 miles without a second thought. I’m a rube at anything longer than 20 miles - I’ve only run that far 5 times, and 3 of those have been marathon races.

I even went so far as to say that I’m a good middle distance runner, while I am not cut out for marathons. But the truth is, I really don’t know that. I’m just getting started. I love to run, and I love to run long. When I first started running, 10ks left me tired and so far. After my first 1/2 marathon, I quit running for 3 months, remembering the cramping that kept me bed all day. My first hard 1/2, running a 1:48, left me with tendonitis in my foot and a sore hip that took weeks to resolve. And now I can run those much faster and with no lingering effects. I have so much work to do on the long run. I won’t know for years if I am a good long runner.

One thing I did learn is that I love smaller races. There was amazing energy at the Rock n Roll race, but it was enormous. I felt lost in the crowd. There was no announcement of my name as I crossed the finish, I had no friends to cheer for. I like to run with people I know, or who I have a chance to get to know. I love to run on the trails, in the trees, over rocks. I was so grateful to win the entry for the marathon, but on race day, I wished I was on Vashon Island running my first ultra.

In the end, I learned that I want to keep on running as my heart tells me to. I don’t want to be driven by needing a certain time to feel that I have succeeded; I don’t want to choose races that I know I will do well at because I’ve done them before. I want to keep pushing and exploring and seeing how far I can take myself, because in the end, this is the best adventure of all.