details of the run

You know how people post the Garmin recap of their run, and it shows all these perfect splits every mile, and you think, wow, my runs never look like that?  And maybe you think that you are the only person in the world to ever have had a bad run, and probably it is because you have no business even thinking about running a 50 miler...

Okay, maybe that's just what goes through my head, but just in case you have ever found yourself wondering what an "internal" Garmin recap might look like on someone's bad run day, I give you mine from today's 18 miler.  Enjoy.

Mile 1 - Immediately realize I am in trouble for this run and consider tying a rope around Julie to slow her down.  She is feeling great.  She is chatting about all kinds of things.  I hope she doesn't notice I am already quiet.

Mile 2 - Not bad, since it was mostly downhill.  Of course, I obsess about the return trip the entire time.

Mile 3 - I'm trying to figure out ways to put lead in her shoes. 

Mile 4 - The "good" mile.  Did I mention it is a lovely downhill stretch, and only 4 miles in to the run?

Mile 5 - Distract myself with the perfect waterskiing water on the river next to us.  Forget going inward and focusing on technique.  It's all about diversion for me at this point.

Mile 6 - After Julie points out that almonds are an "interesting" food choice, I spend much of this mile cementing in my mind that I should never plan long run food on 4 1/2 hours of sleep.

Mile 7 - Considered hiding in the bushes at a bathroom break, forcing Julie to continue on alone. After starting up again, amused myself by watching a guy riding his bike like a drunkard up the hill we were climbing. Maybe this is a cycling technique I have never heard of?

Mile 8 - It is possible to physically and emotionally hate an electronic device. I spend most of this mile fantasizing the destruction of Julie's mean Garmin, interrupted only by fantasies of calling someone to pick me up.  I'm also ready to cry.  

Mile 9 - The urge to cry clues me in that I need to eat some carbs. Thank god for a bagel shop. I am both annoyed and pleased that the line is moving slowly. Eating a bagel helps tremendously.

Mile 10 - The only time I manage to go fast.  1/4 mile of sprinting to the bottom of the hill that I've been promised we can walk.

Mile 11 - Stupid 'effing hill.  It is possible to think one obsessive thought for an entire mile.

Mile 12 - Math abilities and memory of how far we are going are now gone.  I am extremely pleased that we aren't doing 20 miles, and I just have 7, no 5, no 6 - well some amount of miles left to go.

Mile 13 - We're going flat for awhile now, she tells me.  You know, so it's easy.  Mmm hmm.  Stupid songs are now stuck on repeat in my head.  "All the single ladies, all the single ladies..."

Mile 14 - I return to math problems for amusement.  I have now done 27.5 miles in two days...  I have now done 27.75 miles in two days...my legs can suck it!

Mile 15 - "All the single ladies, all the single ladies..."

Mile 16 - It's official.  I no longer like to run.    

Mile 17 - "This is where it starts to smell bad," Julie mentions.  Of course now I need to walk and take an electrolyte.  That's okay though - I smell worse than the sewer plant she is referring to.  Or maybe she is talking about me...

Mile 18 - The longest darn mile ever.  There is no gas left in the tank.  The guy walking down the sidewalk gives me a look of pity.  I'm happy to take it.  But you know what, by the end of that mile, I love to run again.